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have <em>adopted</em> children from China.</p>

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<h2>The Importance of Maintaining Adoptive Family Support Groups</h2>
<img id="sidepics" src="../images/sidepics.jpg" alt="happy children">

<h3>As their children get older, many adoptive parents regret having cut
theirs and their youngsters' ties to these supports group.</h3>
<h3>By Jane A. Brown</h3>

<p>Sandra eagerly got dressed to go the adoptive family gatherings until
she was eight years old. She then began to protest and act out when her
parents asked her to get into the car and drive to meet the other
families. She didn't have a terrible time when she was playing with the
other children whom she'd known since she was a baby, and it wasn't that
she had something else planned. She just no longer wanted these
reminders of how "special" her family is. That word had become the code
word for "different", and being different meant because she is
transracially adopted she was often singled out in school for intrusive
comments and uncomfortable questions. Joining other children at these
group gatherings reminded Sandra that like her, these kids are
different, too, in the same way she is. Sandra didn't want to confront
that fact or think more about it.</p>

<p>Wanting to be sensitive to their daughter's feelings, Sandra's
parents pulled back from attending these gatherings. Perhaps, they
believed, they'd done enough to help Sandra to understand her adoption.
It was time to move on.</p>

<p>Years later, when Sandra's acting-out behavior erupted, her family
plunged into a crisis. But there was no longer any natural support group
for them to return to. Sandra's parents found themselves accused by
family, friends, the school, and therapists as possessing poor parenting
skills. They were told they were responsible for the serious problems
that had developed. They felt isolated and, with a sense of
hopelessness, they were ready to give up.</p>

<h3>The Trajectory of Change</h3>

<p>Many of us welcome the opportunity to connect with families like ours
during the adoption process and when adoption is new and we are reveling
in parenting. We are thrilled to celebrate our child's heritage and
watch as our child grows alongside children on this shared journey. We
look for children's adoption books and affordable art work from our
child's culture and country. However, as our children go off to school,
they get involved in other activities and our lives seem to grow busier
and more complicated. So at the time a lot of children begin to protest
that they are no longer interested in adoption group activities, our
enthusiasm usually wanes, too. We attend fewer gatherings, and we
notice, along with our child, that fewer families with older children
are in attendance. Seeing this decreases even more our motivation for
participating.</p>

<p>Yet for adopted youngsters, issues involving adoption and race might
appear and then be resolved, but resurface during later developmental
stages, peaking during pre-adolescent and adolescent years. Research
shows that many adoptive families seek psychological services, with the
majority starting this process when their youngsters are between 12 and
16. Grief and loss are the central issues of adoption, and attempts at
grief resolution occur through a lifetime.</p>

<p>Conflicts sometimes arise in families due to divided loyalties.
Anxiety can continue to plague adopted youngsters who experienced
several traumatic transfers early in their lives. For these children,
control battles can ensue as they try to exert control as a way of
assuring their safety as a result of having been so out of control
during these transfers.</p>

<p>Identity confusion can also complicate the adopted youngster's
struggle for identity.</p>

<p>These normative challenges can often result in behavioral symptoms,
which are outward clues to inner turbulence that these youngsters
grapple with. Unfortunately, this situation can be wrongly seen as a
pathology rather than understood and addressed appropriately so that
children can build successful lives. And when problems are not addressed
early, they tend to escalate in intensity and become more difficult to
solve.</p>

<p>By staying within an adoption support group, recognizable patterns of
these challenges can be better observed and addressed appropriately.
Acting-out behaviors might shock others who are not as accustomed to how
these issues play out, and this can result in adoptive parents being
judged harshly and unfairly as possessing poor parenting skills, as
happened with Sandra's parents. For this reason and others, many
adoptive parents regret having cut theirs and their youngsters' ties to
these supports group and they can be disappointed and alarmed to learn
that this essential support network - with adoptive families who have
children of a similar age - no longer exists. These families report
feeling isolated and stigmatized, feeling they have nowhere to turn.</p>

<p>We know that both preventive group work and group counseling with
adopted youngsters and adolescents is extremely powerful. It works by
mitigating the feelings of difference and isolation. When youngsters
connect with others who share similar experiences, ideas, and feelings
regarding adoption losses they are empowered by the discovering a sense
of being "normal" which, by itself, can reduce behavioral and emotional
problems.</p>

<p>Adopted youngsters and their parents would be better served by
remaining connected to adoptive family support groups through the middle
childhood years. It is during this time that children tend to go
underground with theories and beliefs they develop about what it means
to be growing up adopted. These ideas evolve during a time of
youngsters' more sophisticated cognitive development. But these ideas
emerge into an environment that largely misunderstands adoption,
invalidates adoptive family membership, and holds onto negative
stereotypes about adoption that are conveyed to adopted youngsters by
peers at times when adults are often not present to hear them and
intervene.</p>

<p>Gender issues are also something some families wrestle with as they
try to be a part of the FCC community. I've heard loud and
understandable complaints from families who have adopted boys from
China. They tell us that other parents regularly suggest that boys are
of lesser value and that they were unlucky to receive referral and
placement of a boy instead of a girl. In addition, negative stereotypes
of Asian males are expressed by parents of Asian girls within the FCC
community in front of these families. Often, their sons are by their
side when they receive these comments. In addition, they complain that
the language used and the planned activities are girl-centric. Their
sons are rendered invisible or unimportant, or they are regarded as rare
anomalies. Seeing no other boys in these community gatherings and
hearing insensitive comments has driven many of these families out of
the FCC circles, particularly as their sons mature. The effect of this
is not just deleterious to the boys and their families. It is damaging
to the girls as well, for despite parents careful explanations of why
China made them available for international adoption and being told that
they are of immense value, their experience is that China only sends
away girls. This societal messaging suggests that girls are unwanted and
not valued in China, and the lack of community participation of families
with boys reinforces this damaging message.</p>

<h3>What Makes These Groups Work?</h3>
<p>But when adoptive families keep their ties to the support groups,
they can work together to provide educational services and shared
opportunities for their youngsters to explore these issues, thus easing
their complicated path to adulthood. Doing this, though, requires
commitment and understanding by individual parents and the support
group. Below are some things to keep in mind about forming and
sustaining these groups:</p>
<ul>
	<li>Adoptive parents must recognize that leaders of these groups
	volunteer their time and effort and, unless helped, will burn out. New
	leaders often spring from the circle of parents with younger children,
	who must look for ways to volunteer regardless of how busy their lives
	are and regardless of whether they are involved in single-parent or
	two-parent households. A willingness to give of themselves usually pays
	off in their children's motivation to stay connected because they are
	able to give input into the type of activities that they know their
	child will be willing to engage in.</li>
	<li>The support group, as a whole, must recognize that the children's
	interests differ depending on their age and thus plan for activities
	and educational opportunities that address this divergence. That is
	terrific, but it is vital that groups make certain they have at least
	one or two board members with maturing children to represent the voice
	of those members whose children are older and to plan for programming
	for older youngsters and their families.</li>
	<li>Organizations probably need to make a 10-year plan that gets
	revisited each year to revise goals and determine whether activities
	fulfill members' needs. To stay vital, the board needs to look far into
	the future as it gathers the expertise to meet the needs of member
	families. This means making a commitment to struggle through together
	the inevitable growing pains of an enlarged, ever-changing group with
	divergent needs. These groups must address how they will communicate
	early to younger families the value of staying connected and actively
	giving of their time so they don't drift away from participation. To
	this requires the regular repetition of the message that connection
	might become a lifeline for their families when their children enter
	adolescence.</li>
</ul>

<p>Successful groups also find ways to network with one another.
Compartmentalizing themselves as families who have adopted from a
particular country mirrors the racial and ethnic segregation that they
should be, and often are, actively fighting against. To stay separated
from broadening experiences makes more likely that racism and
ethnocentrism will continue to flourish and possibly harm their children
and families. By reaching out and connecting with other support groups,
alliances can be built for advocating for their children and families
and in developing resources for the delivery of important services. For
example, groups can work together to identity resources, such as
creating lists of pediatricians, speech and language specialists,
therapists, educators who are adoption-knowledgeable. Local or regional
workshops or conferences can be jointly planned. This can be enriching
rather than subtractive for members and the organizations. Groups that
network seem to last longer.</p>

<h3>Seeking Advice From Younger Members</h3>
<p>As children age, there also need to be new roles for them within the
organization. When we created our families and joined these groups,
support was often seen as meeting our parenting needs. Sometimes this
remains the case as our children mature, when in reality these groups
need to address some our children's changing needs. They should be given
the opportunity to help decide what they want and need that would
encourage them to stay connected and committed to the support group.
They have a great deal to teach their parents and the membership as a
whole about what they think and feel and what they want and need. They
can also describe how their capabilities are expanding in ways that make
it possible for them to pass along to younger siblings and friends what
they've learned and how they have benefited from developing their
support network. For us to hear them, we must give them the chance to
find their own voices and encourage them to use them to speak to us. We
can do this by:</p>
<ul>
	<li>Helping them to develop an advisory board</li>
	<li>Entrusting them with the responsibility to organize an activity for
	themselves or the younger children</li>
	<li>Encouraging them to contribute articles and art work for
	newsletters and involving them with planning.</li>
</ul>

<p>Organizations also must be sensitive to the changes in its
population. While families might have come together because their
children were adopted from the same country, family composition can
shift as time goes on.Parents give birth to children or adopt from a
different country. The focus on country-specific culture might become
problematic for families whose other children were not born in that
country, thus alienating those families and children.</p>

<p>An adoptive family support group should recognize and try to serve
the needs of all members of the adoptive families in its membership. It
should not exclude non-adopted children or children adopted from other
countries, nor treat them as fifth wheels who are not valued members of
the adoptive family circle. This exclusion has caused many adoptive
families to cut their ties to such groups due to conflict within their
families that is not healthy nor constructive. It also robs the
organization and especially its children of the opportunity to see that
people of all cultures and backgrounds are valued. Either we demonstrate
by our actions that we truly value racial and ethic diversity, or we
don't. Do as we say, not as we do has never worked for parents, and it
certainly won't work for us in this circumstance as adoptive parents.</p>

<p>Children learn much about themselves by comparing and contrasting
their experiences, beliefs and feelings with others. Non-adopted
siblings and children who were adopted from other nations have a great
deal to teach out of their experiences and perspectives. Adopted
children benefit from discovering what is normal about growing up
adopted through sharing their thoughts and feelings with other adopted
kids, but they also learn what is not adoption-related from having the
chance to hear about the experiences of non-adopted youngsters living in
an adoptive family. This is not information that youngsters are ready or
able to talk about when they are five or six years old. But it is what
they can share with one another when they are older and able to reflect
more on how they think. This is another reason that, as parents, we must
work to sustain our support groups and keep families as part of the
membership.</p>

<p>Adoptive parents report that the most satisfying support groups to
belong to over time are ones that incorporate a blending of adoption
education, discussion and support for parents, and social opportunities
that feature the cultural heritage of members. Ongoing support groups
sustain adoptive families through the unexpected challenges, tragedies,
achievements and successes that life can deliver. They can and should
provide opportunities for parents to help other parents, and working in
tandem with other groups, they can recruit and train professionals who
can help adoptive families to maintain psychological health. We've
learned over time that when challenges intensify, parents involved in
support groups are able to better weather them while they and their
children work through them. We've observed, too over time that their
children, once they are grown, often return to thank the support groups
and share with members how critical that support was to them gaining
psychological health if they experienced a difficult struggle. And they
often tell how vital the group was to sustaining their mental health
through the confusion of building a complicated identity.</p>

<p>Go back to the <a href="index.htm">Jane Brown archive</a>.</p>

<p class="fineprint">This article is the sole property of Jane Brown and
is copyrighted. It MUST not be copied, reprinted or published in any
form in whole or in part without the express written consent of Jane
Brown.</p>

<p class="fineprint">Jane A. Brown, MSW, is a longtime adoptive parent,
social worker, and adoption educator who regularly contributes articles
to FCC newsletters. She and her husband are parents to eight children,
many of whom are now-grown adoptees from Korea, with one child having
been adopted in China. Jane is the creator of Adoption Playshops, a
series of workshops that she facilitates throughout the U.S. and Canada
for adopted youngsters and their parents. These workshops - one of which
was held for members of FCC-NE - empower members of adoptive families to
explore what it means to be growing up adopted.</p>

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